Escape from the Funhouse
by BlueNunatannabells
Summary: Michael Portillo of 'This Week' Journey's deep into the CITV Studio to find our what happened to the 1990's Children's Gameshow Funhouse & it's mysterious presenter Pat Sharpe.


**Round 1 Messy Games**

They couldn't believe that they had made it this far. It was just like the ancient texts had led them to believe the old Scottish television studio in Glasgow home to the legendary set of CITV's Funhouse.

Michael Portillo Gasped in awe: "choo choo"

Lembit Öpik nodded in agreement.

Ever since they left the world of political commentary and the dizzying heights of the this week sofa they had both committed their lives to one thing, to solve the mystery of the Funhouse, why the program disappeared from television and what had happened to its enigmatic dungeon master the mulleted god of ball pool splednour Pat Sharpe.

Cobwebs hung from the Sneaky slip 'n' slide, the Crawl tube was cracked and broken, and darkness obscured the maze beyond.

"This ain't no funhouse anymore" said lembit clearing dust from his glasses with the hem of his cheeky girls t shirt.

And with that they set off into the heart of the immense darkness.

The eyes of Beat the bully Loomed over this chaotic wasteland like the eyes of some hellish daemon as michael and lembit navagated the turning twister before climbing the A frame to better survey desolate ruins.

"it looks like no one has been here for years…" michael stopped lembit from talking grabbing his arm and pointed to the hole where the Snakes in a box once laid years before. A ballpool ball had been disturbed from its place and was rolling on the eerie Yellow and red PVC floor.

"someone's here" Lembit Whispered

"choo" said michael quietly.

Cautiously the two of them paced towards the source of the ball. A shadowy corner beyond the base of the firemans pole. They were almost within a foot of the darkness when they jumped back a terrifying shriek

Yeeeeeeeeeey!

"Oh my god" Lembit said, "I think I've wet myself"

"no said michael, that's just gunge"

"Then that means… that must be"

"Melaine!" they both exclaimed in union. And yes before them was one of the funhouse twins, her hair wild and bedraggled, her red team clothes torn and stained from years of neglect and gungification. "you found me! You found me" she giggled "I was hiding all this time, all this time!"

"she's gone mad!" Michael exclaimed

Portillo and Öpik looked nervously at each other.

"lets play again, lets play again!" melanie urged them

"play what?" Michael asked

"hide and seek!"

"but why?"

"because" and then her expression changed "he's still here"

And then at once with a great roar of mechanical sadism Pat Sharpe leapt from behind the Magic curtain his chainsaw raised above his head like some terrifying 90's leatherface, blood began to splatter the walls, the netting, the yellow and red UPVC padding became crimson.

Lembit Öpik was eviscerated instantly

"Nooooo!" screamed micahel but he did not have time to mourn his late night chat partner, instead he began to run: to run for his life, deep into the funhouse.

**Round 2 The Funhouse Grandprix**

Pat Sharpe was unstoppable after all these years of waiting a fresh victim had finally arrived. A new contestant to be pursued through his Sneaky slip 'n' slide of Death. "Choo Choo!" screamed Michael Protillo as he frantically beat his way through the Balloon Tunnel, "Choo!" as he leapt 'The flying fox', "CHOOOOO!" as he saw the body of Martina the yellow funhouse twin laying face down in the ball Pool her intestines amalgamated into the yellow and red crucible around her like some gory Spaghetti Bolognese.

Buzz Pop Pop Pop He could hear the abrasive whirring of pat sharpes chainsaw somewhere close behind he must be in the balloon tunned now thought Michael as he grabbed a green tag dangling from the The danger net. He glanced at it, the prize coupon had been ripped out and replaced with a newspaper cutting the headline read

TV STUDEO FACES CLOSEURE AFTER CONTESTANTS DROWN IN GUNGE

"my god!" Michael exclaimed.

The mystery had been solved, why funhouse disappeared off CITV all those years ago, why pat sharpe vanished into thin air never to be heard of again, why nothing was ever said of the tragedy that had happened. He knew it all. But that didn't matter now. It didn't matter because right now he was running for his life and he needed help he called his best friend and left a desperate voice mail message

"Andrew! Its michael I'm in glasgow, the old Socttish Television Studeo I need your help! Its Pat! Pat Sharpe! He's gone mad, help me quick!"

And with that he threw the phone to one side and made for The bob sleigh. Rapidly now he descended from the mountain of softplay terror and vaulted over the The sunken well. Then he saw it, the grandprix go carts, this was it this was his chance and so he made his desperate bid for freedom.

But pat sharpe was not far behind and had found a gift tag of his own! A second chainsaw he was now duelweilding like masterchief and was approaching michael at a pace of knots.

Quickly muchael dived into a go cart turned the ignition and screetched the cart around the firs corner of the funhouse track. He breathed a short sigh of relief… as he turned the next corner then the next but then let out a "choo choo!" of horror as he realised that the track was circular and was now fast approaching the very place pat sharpe was standing he slammed on the breaks attempted to make a J turn but he was much too accustommed to travelling by rail to master the fun carts controlls. It was too late the gocart came to a halt right below the perch upon which pat sharpe was standing.

Pat sharpe raised His dual blades of fury, gave a malevolent mullet headed grin his eyes full of malice and began to swing his chainsaws downwards.

There was then an almighty bang! And the madman topped overbackwards and fell upon both of his still rotating blades. Michael turned around and saw him, his hero, his immaculately tailored hero Andrew Neil was standing with his trusty Double Barreled Holland & Holland Shotgun. "No One Messes With My Choo Choo Ey Molly?"

Molly the dog barked in agreement.

Andrew then made his way over to his dear friend.

"Andrew you came, oh god it was horrible, Lembit andrew! He got Lembit! And…"

"shush Shush now" said andrew and produced a bottle of BLUE NUN from his jacket.

Here you go drink up Michael Lets Get you back to the safety of the BBC


End file.
